I find myself vulnerable and bare as I write this post. I’ve written about it before, and I’m not sure what else there is for me to say about it. But until I defeat this monstrous fear that plagues my mind once and for all, I’ll continue to journal my struggles and my victories so that perhaps someone, who may be facing the same enemy, can be encouraged in knowing they’re not alone.

The answer always seems like an easy one, but it never really is. Many on the outside, looking in, may or may not understand. Some judge based on their personality or their circumstances or how they would handle it. It’s hard to know what you don’t know. I’m not judging them; I’m just saying that until you’ve lived it, there’s no way to know what it’s like to be held prisoner in your mind. And I’m not speaking of those occasional things that most people face in life. I’m talking about the constant barrage that hits for no apparent reason day in and day out often without reprieve.

I’ve scratched the surface of so many things, and had so many opportunities to be and do amazing things. There’s so much I wanted and expected to accomplish, things that have long been in my heart to do. Yet my default is to retreat (for a myriad of reasons), lay down the baton, and bow out of the race never finishing the thing I started, that I was fully capable of completing. Of course, I walked away many times because of the fear (false expectations appearing real). Whether justified or not my perception has been my reality and definitely been to my detriment. Now I will say there were a few times things were beyond my control, but I also allowed those instances to shape my thinking even further in the wrong direction.

Let me be clear: I want to be free; though I may sound like a broken record if you’ve been here long enough to read past posts. It seems the mental paralysis is opportunistic, attacking the moments that are most important and leaving the trivial nonsense alone. When I should be doing something important I feel like I’m handcuffed to a pole in the middle of nowhere with no access to the things I need nor a way of escape. But when it doesn’t matter I’m as free as a bird in the wind.

I’m still working on being better. I’ve got great counsel and resources, but sometimes getting over that last hurdle in a race that’s lasted as long as this one has seems impossible. I feel like when I try, I run smack into the very thing I’m trying to get over, and then I have to back up and try to gain momentum again. Maybe I’m not a good listener. I don’t think that’s true; at least it’s not true as far as not listening on purpose. The opportunistic distractions and the mental fog blind my sight and the path to freedom. I know I’ll get there one day, but until then I keep trying while hoping the pains of frustration are erased one victory at a time.

If you’re judging me and you don’t know me, well then that’s on you. You do you. This post is for the me and people who struggle as I do. It’s a reflection of past wounds and failures. It’s not a post of excuses. It’s a proclamation that I won’t stay here, and you don’t have to either. I will overcome. I will win. My destination has been delayed but not denied.

If you do know me and are judging me all I want to know is what is that doing for you? Or me, for that matter? So many words have been spoken that have cut me to the core of my being, most of the time by well meaning individuals who thought tough love or rigid correction was the way to handle me, to steer me in the right direction. I love you, but you were wrong and I don’t believe in or accept your words anymore. I’m gonna be me and do the things that make me who I am, who I am designed to be. I matter and I have a lot to offer. I’m kind and compassionate. I care about other people’s feelings. I want to see people succeed in life. I want them to prosper and have good health. I love hard even when the feeling isn’t reciprocated. I just have a hard time wanting those things for myself and loving myself.

The business I’m in has a saying: You need a “why” that makes you cry. Of course they are speaking of a reason to strive for success in business, but I think it applies to most things. After a lot of contemplation I realized my “why” is me. I make me cry. What I need and want finally matters to me. I want so much more in this life and the limited time I have in it. I want to change the world. I will change the world. I will change someone’s world, even if it’s just my own.

Published by Jeff

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