I just wanna be honest and real for a minute. I’ve written blogs before, and they either talk about what I’m going through at the moment or about what I’m gonna do. So many people, myself included, live one life on the outside while the real one is on the inside crying in a desperate attempt to live free.
I’m sad and I’m afraid.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever not be, and I’ll just be happy. Joy seems so fleeting. Even in the moments that should be the happiest of all, there’s always a sadness and a fear that never escapes me. I feel crippled to do anything with my life, and let’s be honest I am crippled most of the time. Nothing I’ve planned to do or be ever seems to really make it passed the “Plan”. Oh sure I’ll do something for a little while, but the plan always ends up having to be altered, and then it just fizzles out.
I end up right back where I started.
I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. Why am I the way that I am? I used to think “life” was just cruel and unfair, but somehow I knew there had to be more to it than that. I’ve often wondered, do I have some kind of chemical imbalance, or is something really wrong with me?
I don’t have to stay this way, do I?
I’ve read books. I’ve talked to people. I’ve listened to people speak whom I trust. I’ve even talked to my doctor, but yet here I am.
I’ve had some of the most incredible things happen in my life, so I don’t think I have any reason to feel this way. I have family and friends that love me and take care of me. I’ve had jobs that brought fulfillment if only for a season. I’ve been privileged to visit other countries. I’ve flown on planes and ridden on ships. I’ve seen animals in their natural habitat on the other side of the world. I’ve been to the point where two oceans meet. I’ve watched the sun rise and set in the middle of the ocean. I’ve fed the poor, both home and abroad. I’ve spoken in front of few, and I’ve spoken in front of many. I’ve received gifts and given gifts that both let me feel other’s love for me but also allowed me to express my love for them. I’ve been in the greatest of company and the grandest of celebrations. I’ve seen couples exchange vows in the most beautiful ceremonies. I’ve witnessed children born fresh into the very world I’m terrified to live in, while the innocence and purity of that life, at the same time, gave me joy.
They say/I hear…
Just be happy.
Don’t be afraid.
Don’t be sad.
Don’t be lonely.
Just do it.
Coming from a Christian background, I would always hear just let God handle it. Just trust Him, he’ll help you. I’d get all the bible verses, or someone would play a song, and then I’d feel better. Sometimes it lasted for just a moment; sometimes it would last a while.
I wish it were simple.
I guess that ultimately all of it works together. I try to remember: the happy times, the things I did accomplish, the words of encouragement that gave me hope, the verses in the bible that brought peace, the songs that gave comfort, the ear that always listened.
Sometimes doing everything right still feels like nothing, but I/you/we still have to try, right?
We just do… because I’m important.
We all have something to give. We all have someone who needs us to receive from them.
I know many people have way worse fears and pain and sadness than I do, and I pray you find peace. I pray you find what works for you. I’m still searching…
and I hope I find it too.